Memories

There's a part of Buddhist (or is it Taoist?) philosophy which says something like, "Only an empty cup is a useful cup." In other words, one should always have an open mind with no preconceptions. Given that, I have the most useful mind of all. I have no preconceptions because I couldn't remember them even if I wanted to. Thanks to my faulty memory, every day is a new adventure!

I bring this up because I just got a couple of emails from an old friend. In one of them, he included a link to news about my old high school: one of the social studies teachers just died. I'd like to be able to mourn him, even for a second, but the truth is that I have no memory of him whatsoever. In my defense, I never had him as a teacher (although at least one of my sisters did). However, our school was not very big, and there were only a handful of social studies teachers there. I know for a fact that I saw him, but for the life of me I can't even remember what he looked like.

Then again, even if I'd had him for a teacher and remembered him, I doubt I'd mourn very much. Truth is, once someone leaves my life, I have a lot of difficulty holding on. This actually has less to do with remembering them as it does to just my always letting go of the past. Over the years I've theorized why this is, and the only thing I can come up with is the fact that we moved three times (four houses in three towns) before I was ten. I'm sure that's not the only reason, but that's the only thing which explains why I've moved a lot over the years (before moving to PDX 4 years ago, I hadn't stayed in the same place for more than two years dating back 17 years) and can't seem/want to stay connected with anyone I've left. I have a fondness for the memories - I've really liked a lot of people, places and experiences - but no ability or desire to keep in touch.

Getting back to the topic of death, I also wouldn't mourn the teacher because I honestly believe that death is a natural part of life, so no need/sense to mourn too much. Having said that, there have been a few people in my life whom I wept for (I nearly lost it in my hotel room, the night of my cousin's wedding, when I thought about my dead uncle and how he wasn't alive to see his son's wedding), and a few more who I will truly miss once they pass. But, I think I've cried more watching movies ("Stella Dallas" nearly killed me) or reading books (ditto "Peter Pan") than at funerals.

Speaking of funerals, is it morbid to plan the music for your own? I have a list of songs I'd like played, but I don't know who to give it to. I'd also like to have a huge party when I pass, but the way that I haven't kept in touch with people, I don't know if anyone will actually come. Maybe with an open bar...